Da Vinci Code

 

SNL movies are like a stinerini pizza!

 

This is the latest dumb movie to come out of a Saturday Night Live skit.  Which I suppose is pretty clever on their part – but, once again the hungry public is forced to wait for Jim Carey to start working again.

 

My wife says that SNL movies don’t work because it’s tough to base an entire movie off of a 5-minute sketch.  But, that’s just silly because one of my favorite movies is Diner and Denny’s usually only takes a couple of minutes to get my Moons Hammy out and that movie has got to be two hours long!  I mean, I saw Ferris Beuller and that movie is really just a long Mentos commercial and it was really good.  So, I don’t think I get her point.

 

Here’s what I once heard about why the SNL movies stink.  Loren Michaels is the owner of Saturday Night Live and she’s pretty clever.  She keeps seeing all of her stars go off and be lured by the sweet dreams of Hollywood (CA).  Now I don’t know where Saturday Night Live is made (probably SNL Pennsylvania or something) but it’s definitely not as big as Hollywood (CA).  So, it’s pretty tough for these SNLers to resist the seduction of a big Hollywood (CA) career.  And when they leave, SNL ends up with losers like Michael Anthony Hall, and Robert Downy Jr, and Phil Hartman.  I mean, those guys would never be in Hollywood (CA) and they weren’t particularly funny on SNL.

 

So, she’s got to keep the stars on the show.  So, she keeps making really stinky SNL movies.  “You want to be in Hollywood (CA)?  Fine.  Let’s make a movie called “Night at the Roxberry” and no one will laugh and you’ll be back here playing a cheerleader.  Ha!  How do you like Hollywood (CA) now?”  That’s what Loren Michael said.  Actually, I’m not sure she said it – it’s what I said.  But, I was pretending to be Loren Michael at the time, so you get the point.  My wife didn’t get the point – and I think she was kind of freaked out that I was pretending to be Loren Michael, but let’s face it, that woman doesn’t really get it.  I mean, she thought Loren Michael actually wanted her movies to be a hit!  But, really Loren Michael wants all SNL movies to bomb so that her stars stay on the show and out of Hollywood (CA).

 

Just like this one.  I used to love that skit where all the Bears fans would sit around at the bar and call everything “da pizza!” or “da hot wings!” or “da beer!”  Ha!  Beer and bear are the same!  And, both come with da!

 

Now, I don’t know what a Vinci is but I’m pretty sure he used to be the coach of the Green Bay Packers, who are huge rivals of the Bears – oops, Da Bears!.  So, you just know that people were really cracking up at the sketch when they were all sitting around eating sausage and saying “Da Vinci!”  That one killed them.  So much that Loren Michaels made a stinko movie about it so that those guys would stay on the show.

Good Night, and Good Luck

Clooney’s a film genius!  Give him an award!

So you know what must be the most frustrating thing for a maker of film?  Having someone else making a movie about the exact same thing you’re making a movie about.  That’s like ordering a Whopper and then it turns out the guy at the counter next to you also ordered a Whopper and there’s a beef shortage because the cows are mad at stuff and so there’s only one Whopper left in the world.  I ordered that Whopper first, I don’t care what the cops said – and besides, that guy shouldn’t have said those things about me.  See what I mean?  Super frustrating!  I’ll bet they wouldn’t have given Clooney community service!  I’ll bet the other guy would have just asked Clooney to sign his Whopper!  With ketchup!  And, then he would have given the Whopper to Clooney!  Because Clooney deserves it – he looked so stressed on Chicago Hope, I’ll bet all he needed was a Whopper to calm his nerves.  It works for me!  After that day in front of the judge about the whole Whopper thing, the only thing that would calm my nerves was a Whopper!  Somebody call Alanis!  I’ve got a sequel for her! 

So, when the makers of Capote found out there was another movie being made about Capote (called “The Truman Show”) they hurried up and made their movie faster.  Sure they cut some corners (like they didn’t tie the lights on tight enough so once a light came crashing from the sky; and they didn’t even bother with the part of Capote’s life where he meets Christof.)  But, the whole point was to get it to the hungry public before the other guys.  Sometimes quality doesn’t matter when it’s better to be first.  I mean who even needs to go see the Truman Show now that we’ve all seen Capote?  Smooth move, guys.  Well played.

There are a whole bunch of other examples of competing movies, like Tombstone and Wyatt Earp; and Kill Bill Vol 1 and Kill Bill Vol 2; and Thirteen Days and JFK; Flags of our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima; Sudden Impact and Armageddon; Dangerous Liaisons and Valmont; Dante’s Peak and Volcano.  Rob Lowe’s Home Video and Paris Hilton’s Home Video.  Stuart Little and Mouse Hunt. 

Well, here’s why Clooney should have gotten the Oscar.  He was getting ready to make the movie Good Night when he found out that there was another company out there planning to make a sequel called Good Luck.  Can you believe that nerve!  His movie wasn’t even out yet – heck, they hadn’t even started to pick out all those grey curtains and clothing! – and here’s this other group planning to do the sequel!  What if Clooney had delays with his movie?  I mean, getting all that grey makeup on and off every day takes FOREVER!  And, one guy once told Clooney maybe he should just leave it on all the time and Clooney punched him because Clooney knows the ladies won’t like a man in grey makeup – it’ll look just like Clooney’s ghost!  “Hey, Brenda, who did you have a hot Hollywood date with last night?”  “Clooney’s ghost.”  See how that sounds?  Ridiculous!

So every day they have to take that makeup off.  And that means delays.  What if the guys making Good Luck don’t care about their hot Hollywood dates each night?  What if they left their grey makeup on all the time?  That would mean they’d get their movie done sooner.  And, then what would happen to the hungry public?  We’d see the sequel before the original movie!  Monkey time!  This isn’t Columbo!  This is Hollywood and Clooney isn’t going to stand for it!  And, that’s why he went and stole the script from the Good Luck movie and made both movies at the same time.  To protect the hungry public.  Thank you Clooney! 

Devils and Dust – Bruce Springsteen

  

The worst children’s album ever

This entire CD is about how Bruce doesn’t think his kids should have to bear the suffering of the sins of their fathers, which is kind of sad because I think that means Bruce (“Who’s the Boss?”) is admitting that he slept around a lot and each of his kids has a different father.  And, I suppose, that’s a good example of a sin he doesn’t want them to repeat.

I can relate to this CD because my father was a crackpot – he didn’t sleep around a lot like Bruce did, but I don’t think anyone’s quite as evil as Bruce, and my father ended up sleeping around a lot on our couch, so if that counts then I guess he’s just like Bruce and therefore just like this CD.  My mother used to call him a dust bunny, which is what I think Bruce is talking about in the title.  I think she would have called him a “couch potato” if either couches or potatoes had been invented while she was alive.

Collector’s Box – The Dixie Chicks

  

The controversy is killing me!

The Dixie Chicks are the most important issue facing our country today and I simply refuse to stay quiet any longer.  And, what really blows me away is it’s being overshadowed by a lesser, completely manufactured controversy.  I mean, why are we so concerned about what these “entertainers” think about President Bush and his War on Buffet?  Who cares?  They’re only “entertainers”, right folks? – not politicians!  If I want to know about smackin’ my hoho with my villin’ in a hottub, I’ll talk to an entertainer.  If I want to know how to ban that CD and which bonfire to throw it into, I’ll talk to a politician.  It’d be like asking my dentist about any other shoe besides a gumshoe.  He’s just a dentist – not a private deeck – which is exactly what the three “entertainers” in Dixie Chicks precisely are.  I mean, let’s face it, folks, isn’t it a bit silly protesting outside a Dixie Chicks concert because they don’t like Bush – get a life people and move on nothing to see here! – when we really ought to be protesting outside a Dixie Chicks concert because they’re really a bunch of hermaphodites – everyone come on back, folks, definitely something to see here only don’t actually look because then you’re a sicko and I’ll have to protest you too.  So, let’s get it straight: different protest, different signs – same people standing outside the concert though if they want all the merrier – but, let’s not have two protests going at once because that could get ugly, only these are protesters, so not really really ugly, but kinda Disney ugly like the fight scenes in the “Beat It” video, no one want to be defeated!  So, haven’t we completely missed the point with the Dixie Chicks here people?  I mean, do I really want this rag-tag kind of “entertainer” influencing my children, even if I really only have one children and luckily he worships Slipknot and not this trash.  I sure as Heckle and Jeckle wouldn’t want my son emulating a bunch of women who are really both men and women at the same time!  This is the biggest gender-swapping people-influencing controversy since Dear Abbey turned out to be a priest!  You got chocolate on my peanut butter!

The name says it all: Dixie Chicks, clear as day, and I heard they got their name from some song by Lynard Skynnard called “Dude Looks Like a Lady, Dixie Chicks!” where there’s a line that says “Three guys should be both men and women at the same time and sing songs at football games and influence our children/And this bird will never change”  How do you think they pee?  And just to keep the steam away from the controversy they decided to fabricate another controversy about how they hate Bush (get it?) which is really just a rouge to make you forget they are both men and women at the same time.  It’s like Wag the Female Dog, and it’s working because the songs are so darn fun!

Brewster’s Millions

     

Here’s how I would make a million dollars

You know all those stores which have signs that say “We honor our competitors’ coupons”?  So, there is a bagel store right where I live that has that.  I’m going to open another bagel store next door, but I won’t have anything to sell yet, it’ll just be an empty store.  So, I’ll print one coupon that says EVERYTHING IN THE STORE FOR FREE, and take it over to the other bagel store and they’ll have no choice but to give me everything they’ve got.  And, then I’ll have stuff to sell in my store.  I do that enough times and I’m going to make a lot of money.  But, I’m no moron – I’m not printing more than one coupon because otherwise they could get it all right back.  But, here’s what I can do: there’s an oil change place nearby that honors other coupons – now, what the freckle would I do with a whole bunch of oil? but I sure can print a coupon that says EVERYTHING IN MY BANK ACCOUNT FOR FREE AND FOOD FOR TONY SHALHOUB and then boom now we’re talking about turkeys!  I could really speed up this get rich process by going to the big boys!  I don’t think McDonald’s honors competitors’ coupons.  But, maybe I could just open a coupon store.  That way, I could print any coupons I want.  I’ll print one McDonald’s coupon that I’ll sell to myself that says 20,000 FILET O’FISH WITH THE PURCHASE OF MCDONALDLAND COOKIES.  That means all I would have to do is buy some cookies (how much can that cost) and I get all the fish.

I told this theory to my wife and she told me I’m an idiot.  But, if there’s one thing being a professional psychotry guy has taught me (other than, make sure I never accept any coupons!) is that it’s often the thing we hate most in other people is the thing that reminds us of ourselves.   So, if you get mad at someone for being an idiot – maybe you’re really mad that you too can be an idiot once in a while.  If you hate people who are pushy, maybe you know that you can be pushy.  Hate loud-mouths, are you a loud-mouth?  So, when we are most outspoken against something, it’s usually because we recognize that in ourselves.  Like people who don’t like bananas.  It’s because they ARE bananas.  And, by that I mean they’re crazy because bananas are great.

Alladin

   

Brings back a very sad memory for me

I thought this movie was going to cheer me up because it stars Robin Williams as a cartoon, and who better to play Robin Williams as a cartoon than Robin Williams as a cartoon!  But, actually it didn’t cheer me up at all because it brought back a very painful memory for me.  My little nephew was very sick a while back and we thought he was going to die before it turned out just to be strapped throat, but for a while there we were sure he was a goner.  So, we took him to the Make a Wish Foundation because he’s always wanted to go to Disneyland, but this was before Alladin was a Disney movie, back when Alladin was a story that anyone could talk about and not have to pay Disney for the rights. 

But, asking for wishes makes me think of this movie.  Because my little nephew wanted at first to ask for a million wishes, he’s so smart.  But, the Make a Wish cheapskates had their lawyers there and they put the kybosh on that one.  What’s the matter, you chickenheads, this boy is dying and he’s got more wit that two and a half of you!

So, he instead was going to wish for a trip to Disneyland even though I told him he should do Disney World because there’s all that other stuff and no carnies.  So, we went into the Make a Wish negotiation room where you pick your wish.  And, they’ve got all their lawyers with big wigs there and there’s a bunch of cameras and big lights and tables.  I think they’re trying to intimidate you so you don’t wish for something extravagant, like I would have wished for Michael Stipe to beat the bejeezus out of Dan Rather, but I wasn’t sick. My little nephew was, who wanted a Disneyland trip.  I told him that he should go for broke he’s got nothing to lose and ask for Disneyland, all of Disneyland, for himself just to see if they could pull it off.  But, my little nephew said he didn’t want to do that, and I think it was mainly because he was so intimidated by all the cameras and people in the room, they set it up that way on purpose.  And, all the bright lights in his eyes, you could tell my little nephew was starting to feel the pressure on him, and he whispered to me for help, but I told him everything was going to be ok, just sit down and pay attention.  He said the lights were making him thirsty and I thought with all the distracting stuff the least they could do was have some water in the room.  So I told my little nephew so and he agreed.  So, he told the people in the room that it was Nelly hot in there and could he please have a glass of water.  And suddenly there’s all these cameras flashing and balloons coming down from the ceiling and the Make a Wish people smiling and saying, “awwwww” and petting my little nephew on the head and suddenly a tray table is wheeled in and there’s a glass of water and they take more pictures while my little nephew drinks it and then they gather us up and made us sign some papers and walked us out the door.  What a gyp.

Billy Joel Live at Yankee Stadium

   

Fool me a third time

You remember the old expression: “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, shame on Billy Joel.”  Well, I never knew exactly what that meant until I saw the Behind the Music about Billy Joel.  It seems that Billy “the Music Man” Joel has lost all his money and gone bankrupt THREE TIMES.  And, we’re not talking about the game of Life bankrupt where you just go onto a black space for a couple of turns and then you can keep spinning.  This is real life Billy Joel bankrupt where you have to borrow soup from your parents.  And, Billy Joel has done it three times.  As they said on the VH1, Billy Joel loses more money every year to feed all of Egypt.  Wouldn’t that be weird if he actually LOST it in Egypt?  No wonder those guys get to eat.  Next time they’re strapped for lunch money, they just wait for Billy Joel to build up his next fortune and invite him over for a concert – he’s bound to lose a couple suitcases full of cash.  Hey, Billy Joel, a little tip from Fat Joe, put the money in the bank!  So much safer! 

Ha, just kidding, I know Billy Joel’s never been to Egypt.  He’d’ve written a song about it.  The Bangels did!

So the first time he lost all his money was before he was famous.  He used to be named Mr. Bo Jangles and he ran away from a bad record contract and ended up playing piano at a bar for a friend named John. The second time he lost all his money was when his brother in law dressed up like his accountant and ran off with all his cash.  Strike two Billy Joel!  From now on, don’t swing unless it’s right in there. And, that’s when he got Kristie Brinkley drunk for 15 years and married her and had a bunch of kids.  But, when she finally got sober, what a hangover!  I mean, I’ve been guilty of tipping a few too many highballs in my day, but I’ve never woken up married to Billy Joel!  Sure, there was that thing with Billy Joel’s brother that time I met him at the convention — what was IN those things?!! – but not Billy Joel!  No amount of Advil is going to get you that annulment!  That’s like saying: what do you mean hair on the dog? I married the hair on the dog!  So, as soon as she could gather her clothes and pop her contacts back in, she ran off with all his money.

Which is why Billy Joel doesn’t leave his house anymore because he’s afraid that anyone who he meets is going to be from Egypt or try to take all his money and he’ll have to build up another fortune again, and besides he can’t afford the gas money just yet.

The Big Lebowski

 

In ‘n’ Out Burgers don’t exist!  I checked!

Did you ever notice how when you see fruit at the grocery store it always looks great?  They could have that stack of bananas there for a month and the bananas are yellow.  But, the second you bring some home, it starts turning brown.  I used to think that was because of the water spray things they have at the stores.  The water is obviously a magic potion taken from the famed Fountain of Youth.  This was a pretty fantastic discovery, I thought.  But, my friend from the deli, Jack Jack, told me it was ludicrous.  What kind of a moron would upon discovering the Fountain of Youth waste the precious water keeping fruit from rotting? and not instead fill a hot tub with it and invite Charro over for a party.  Jack Jack loves Charro, and I suppose he has a point.

Instead, he says the reason fruit can stay healthy in grocery stores is because a long time ago they hired Jesus to mop the place up.  And, they were getting ready to fire the guy for pushing a broken jar of jelly underneath a Chips Ahoy display instead of getting a dustpan – Jesus is a lazy lazy man – when they realized that just by having Jesus in the store all the fruit wouldn’t spoil.  It’s what they now call the Miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes.  So, just so long as Jesus doesn’t take that job over at the Office Max, our produce will always stay fresh all day long.This movie is a what-if scenario.  What if Jesus quit his job at Ralph’s and instead went bowling all day.  Oh, and in this movie, Jesus really likes feet and has to tell everyone on the block about it.  It’s a very intruging movie and it supposes that Jesus met all his depostles at the bowling alley.  The first depostle is the Cowboy.  He is sent to tell the second depostle, the Dude whose brother is a shamus, about eating candy bars.  Except instead he tells him a “parable” about a candy bar eating the Dude.  Talk about Crunch!  The next depostle is the Vet.  He is called this because he’s always carrying a dog around with him and he was in the military and he likes to destroy Corvettes.  He sees what you get when you muck a Dan in the gas.  One day when his dirty whites have too much ring around the collar (the “ringer”) he throws them out the window.  And, here’s where the adventure really begins.  The Vet’s father, who is stuck in a wheelchair until the depostles perform the miracle to make him walk again, except the depostles aren’t completely trained in the ways of Jesus yet (they’re only Wheblos) so the Vet’s father can only walk for a few steps but even this you can agree it was quite a miracle.  The Vet’s father wants the Dude to get the dirty laundry back because his wife put her stuffed bunny animal in there.  But, the Dude is too busy trying to spread the Word of Jesus before all the nihilists turn everyone into caucatians.  With the Cowboy and the Vet and the Dude, I think they were worried that people would get the wrong idea and think the depostles were like the Villiage People from
Wayne’s World, so they made the last depostle named Donnie.  He is like a child who walks into the middle of a movie and bowls a strike.  He’s out of his element.

I don’t really know why the naked painter is there, but it has something to do with paying the rent.  Then the revolution is over and the bums lost.

Autumn in New York

 

Time to wake up and smell Richard Gere!

So, does this finally disprove the bad lies and rumors?!  Richard Gere is NOT DEAD!  I don’t know what those people were thinking but they’re crazy when they say such things and spread such rumors.  What would Richard Gere’s great grandmother say if someone told her that Richard Gere is dead – why, she’d have a heartattack and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.  Richard Gere is not dead!Ok, so admittedly he’s a little stiff – but, I saw him move! (presumably) of his own free will!  Movement has got to be one of the Laws of Not Being Dead.  At least number 5 or something!Do you want to know what I think?  Who has the most to gain by these ugly rumors that Richard Gere is dead? Cindy Crawford?  Good guess, but you forgot that she’s already dead – ah, ha! you can’t spread rumors from the grave! dead women don’t  have lips!  So, who else could have done it?  Who’s always trying to get the same roles as Richard Gere and instead always ends up playing the embarrassing deadbeat?  Mickey Rourke!  I know it sounds crazy, but think about it.  After Fantasy
Island got cancelled his career was down the tubes!  And, in the meantime, he got to see his Talent Twin get such plum roles as Mr. Jones and Intersection.  And, here’s what I’m thinking, Mickey Rourke got the idea when all the critics saw Mr. Jones and Intersection and wrote their reviews “Richard Gere is Dead!”  But, you see, Mickey Rourke is not that bright about the Business of Show – when critics say you’re dead, it means your performance is “dead on!”  It’s like when they break legs.  Or a comedian who is killing – he isn’t really killing anyone (except his own misguided heart), silly!

So, hopefully, this movie shows you that Richard Gere is not dead – is in fact alive and kicking.  But, here’s one for Mira Sorvino: Wynona Ryder is dead!

Pale Fire by Vladimir Vladimirovich Nabokov

  

There’s no Zembla! – I looked on a map!

My first thought was that this book is a rip-off.  They charge you a full price, but if you take out the introduction and footnotes, it’s only 30 pages long.  And, it’s a poem!

That’d be like going into McDonald’s and ordering a Big Mac and you get it you start unwrapping it and it turns out you keep unwrapping it and keep unwrapping it until most of it is gone because it’s just wrapping and when you finally get it unwrapped, it’s a poem!  There is a very loud Ronald McDonald PlayLand right in front of my present lodgings. Don’t get me wrong, the footnotes are brilliant!  But, who reads footnotes?  Only C-SPAN guys, I’ll bet they LOVED this book.  But, here’s where they get you – not even the C-SPAN guys read poems!  Back in Psychotry school, we used to have a joke when we got our textbooks that no one would ever read the Introduction, the Appendix, the sidebars, the footnotes or the chapter on Ethics.  That always peared the textbook down to a manageable size.  But, never in my many years of science have a I seen a textbook that turns out to be a poem!  Uh huh.  Uh huh.“I” is the only word in the English language that you can intentionally write in all-caps for emphasis and no one would know it.  That’s why I call it the “sneak word”.  I was thinking maybe what I should do then, since no one reads footnotes, but even fewer people read poems, is to write a review about the back cover of the book.  A lot of people read those, right?  But, that didn’t work because I didn’t read the back cover.  I never read it until I’m done with the book because I don’t want it to spoil it for me.  But, since I don’t read footnotes or poems, I guess I won’t be reading the back cover any time soon.Sometimes I like to show my reviews to others before printing them here.  (Of course, I always show them to Tony Shalhoub, but she’s too busy making bets with this strange bookie she found.  I mean, that guy’s weird!)  My friends are good at catching any errors of spelling or fact – kind of like Ebert’s book-touchers or the fact-checkers at the Rolling Stones.  (Hey, Rolling Stones, if you want me to review stuff for you, let me know – I know I can do a better job than that Bob Travis guy who only likes movies with corsettes and ceiling wax – and hey how come he only reviews movies?! doesn’t this guy ever read?! I mean don’t your readers want book reviews, too – I know they must read – after all, it’s a MAGAZINE, duh! that’s why they’re called READERS – sometimes the obvious is so obvious!  Hey, look, I could do a better job than Travis.  I read!  I write reviews of books!  I’m reviewing “Pale Fire” as we speak!  That’s an important book!)  I like to give book reviews to Jack Jack from the deli.  He is my friend who likes to think of himself as “literally” – I guess, because he guessed who killed Laura Palmer only three episodes into the first season of
Twin Peaks (that’s a season and a half before anyone else I know).  He’ll argue (often!) (loudly!) that it was only two episodes, but I insist on counting the pilot.  So, I gave this review to Jack Jack and his only comment was “You didn’t actually understand the book, did you?”  Sure, I did – well, most of it at least.  Hey, I got the joke about halitosis!  I’ll bet even Jack Jack doesn’t read poems.