The Big Lebowski

 

In ‘n’ Out Burgers don’t exist!  I checked!

Did you ever notice how when you see fruit at the grocery store it always looks great?  They could have that stack of bananas there for a month and the bananas are yellow.  But, the second you bring some home, it starts turning brown.  I used to think that was because of the water spray things they have at the stores.  The water is obviously a magic potion taken from the famed Fountain of Youth.  This was a pretty fantastic discovery, I thought.  But, my friend from the deli, Jack Jack, told me it was ludicrous.  What kind of a moron would upon discovering the Fountain of Youth waste the precious water keeping fruit from rotting? and not instead fill a hot tub with it and invite Charro over for a party.  Jack Jack loves Charro, and I suppose he has a point.

Instead, he says the reason fruit can stay healthy in grocery stores is because a long time ago they hired Jesus to mop the place up.  And, they were getting ready to fire the guy for pushing a broken jar of jelly underneath a Chips Ahoy display instead of getting a dustpan – Jesus is a lazy lazy man – when they realized that just by having Jesus in the store all the fruit wouldn’t spoil.  It’s what they now call the Miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes.  So, just so long as Jesus doesn’t take that job over at the Office Max, our produce will always stay fresh all day long.This movie is a what-if scenario.  What if Jesus quit his job at Ralph’s and instead went bowling all day.  Oh, and in this movie, Jesus really likes feet and has to tell everyone on the block about it.  It’s a very intruging movie and it supposes that Jesus met all his depostles at the bowling alley.  The first depostle is the Cowboy.  He is sent to tell the second depostle, the Dude whose brother is a shamus, about eating candy bars.  Except instead he tells him a “parable” about a candy bar eating the Dude.  Talk about Crunch!  The next depostle is the Vet.  He is called this because he’s always carrying a dog around with him and he was in the military and he likes to destroy Corvettes.  He sees what you get when you muck a Dan in the gas.  One day when his dirty whites have too much ring around the collar (the “ringer”) he throws them out the window.  And, here’s where the adventure really begins.  The Vet’s father, who is stuck in a wheelchair until the depostles perform the miracle to make him walk again, except the depostles aren’t completely trained in the ways of Jesus yet (they’re only Wheblos) so the Vet’s father can only walk for a few steps but even this you can agree it was quite a miracle.  The Vet’s father wants the Dude to get the dirty laundry back because his wife put her stuffed bunny animal in there.  But, the Dude is too busy trying to spread the Word of Jesus before all the nihilists turn everyone into caucatians.  With the Cowboy and the Vet and the Dude, I think they were worried that people would get the wrong idea and think the depostles were like the Villiage People from
Wayne’s World, so they made the last depostle named Donnie.  He is like a child who walks into the middle of a movie and bowls a strike.  He’s out of his element.

I don’t really know why the naked painter is there, but it has something to do with paying the rent.  Then the revolution is over and the bums lost.