Billy Joel Live at Yankee Stadium

   

Fool me a third time

You remember the old expression: “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, shame on Billy Joel.”  Well, I never knew exactly what that meant until I saw the Behind the Music about Billy Joel.  It seems that Billy “the Music Man” Joel has lost all his money and gone bankrupt THREE TIMES.  And, we’re not talking about the game of Life bankrupt where you just go onto a black space for a couple of turns and then you can keep spinning.  This is real life Billy Joel bankrupt where you have to borrow soup from your parents.  And, Billy Joel has done it three times.  As they said on the VH1, Billy Joel loses more money every year to feed all of Egypt.  Wouldn’t that be weird if he actually LOST it in Egypt?  No wonder those guys get to eat.  Next time they’re strapped for lunch money, they just wait for Billy Joel to build up his next fortune and invite him over for a concert – he’s bound to lose a couple suitcases full of cash.  Hey, Billy Joel, a little tip from Fat Joe, put the money in the bank!  So much safer! 

Ha, just kidding, I know Billy Joel’s never been to Egypt.  He’d’ve written a song about it.  The Bangels did!

So the first time he lost all his money was before he was famous.  He used to be named Mr. Bo Jangles and he ran away from a bad record contract and ended up playing piano at a bar for a friend named John. The second time he lost all his money was when his brother in law dressed up like his accountant and ran off with all his cash.  Strike two Billy Joel!  From now on, don’t swing unless it’s right in there. And, that’s when he got Kristie Brinkley drunk for 15 years and married her and had a bunch of kids.  But, when she finally got sober, what a hangover!  I mean, I’ve been guilty of tipping a few too many highballs in my day, but I’ve never woken up married to Billy Joel!  Sure, there was that thing with Billy Joel’s brother that time I met him at the convention — what was IN those things?!! – but not Billy Joel!  No amount of Advil is going to get you that annulment!  That’s like saying: what do you mean hair on the dog? I married the hair on the dog!  So, as soon as she could gather her clothes and pop her contacts back in, she ran off with all his money.

Which is why Billy Joel doesn’t leave his house anymore because he’s afraid that anyone who he meets is going to be from Egypt or try to take all his money and he’ll have to build up another fortune again, and besides he can’t afford the gas money just yet.

Jack Ryan Thriller Set

   I think they misunderstood me

I’ve been calling Universal Studios for years asking them to put this thing together, but I’m going to have to assume they didn’t understand what I was asking for.  But, think about it, how incredible would it have been if they had gotten it right?  Imagine our favorite modern movie spy singing all those classics from Michael Jackson’s 1982 record-smasher.  Call Don King, I think we have a hit!  Stop breathing, it’s great.  (OK, go ahead and breathe again ok.)  The King of Pulp meets the King of Pop, I said!  And, boy, were they excited about the concept!  But, you know how big corporations go – somewhere along the way, the subparticle streams got crossed and they ended up putting out something that isn’t at all like the original concept (kind of like Lunchables).

Either that, or they weren’t too excited about paying me royalties for my great idea – so they stole the idea and changed it just enough to make it look like it was their own idea.  Just like the Superbowl Shuffle, but that’s a totally different complaint!  I’m still sizzling about that!I was hoping they’d even get the “Gloved” One himself out of retirement to record a couple of new tracks with Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford.  They could make “Clear and Present Dangerous”, or “The Hunt for the Elephant Man’s Remains”.

Jars of Clay

If God knew three chords, he'd play THESE three chords
OK so here's the deal about JOC. Most of you probably already know about their years doin' the blow. And, you're probably pretty familiar with the gay sailor porn stuff. And, once they get a wider audience (come on people, get out there and spread the word! JOC is GOD! — hey, they should use that! JOC if you're reading this, use that: JOC is GOD, it's a positive message and it reminds people that you're better than a spoiled tomoto in a catseat!) there will most definitely be a Behind the Music where they're sure to dig up the story of that night in Philly — JOC if you're reading this, don't worry I prayed for the deaths of all the witnesses — and so far no one has come forward, it's just like you say in "Flood" if you pray for something it'll come true so long as it doesn't mean God has to change the course of history or go too far out of his way for Regis Philbin (God HATES Regis.) But, what I think has been overshadowed by all the drugs and the controversy and the sex and the backstage circus and all the eating and the sloth and that one weird revenge thing with the tour bus and the vagrant — what I think is continually overlooked by all of the critics of JOC is that they're really really talented musicians. I mean, when God is doing the housework, he's humming a JOC song (God's a JOChead, too! Hey, you should DEFINITELY use that one. Somebody get this crap to JOC, they should be using these beauts. I'm actually very good at this. I gave Stryper their t-shirt: An eye for an eye a riff for a riff. And, I'm also the guy behind those Slayer bumper stickers: The devil made me sleep with my mom. (That one won me an award.) On nights when it's really pouring and you just know you're moments away from the Rapture, I can swear you can hear God tapping his feet to the beat of "Love Song for A Savior".) And not only are they just that talented at playing their instruments, but lyrically they can't be beat — they're the voice of the Lord Himself. I don't think I'm being blafemous by saying that this junk is better than the Word! I mean, Jesus never sang like this! I mean, look at it! — Who else could rhyme "gripped her" with "scripture" or come up with: "In nomine patre, et filii, et spiritu sancti/I'm badder than devilz, got more Python than Monty" — that's friggin' genius at the mic, man. So, praise be to all, but more than ever, praise be the JOC. The JOC can ROCK. (OK, you're a righteous heathen if you don't use THAT one!)