Metallica (Black Album)

 

I can’t believe it’s not better!

Actually, it can’t be better because it’s rocktastic!  I had this album when I was a pimply-faced teenager.  And, trust me, I had a lot of pimples.  People used to call me Pizza Joe Thomas.  (That was my nickname before Smitty, Toto, Jo-T, the short-lived and self-imposed Fast Joe Thomas, the Notorious FJT, and finally Father Joe Thomas which my son shortened to Fat that one time I had that seatbelt thing.  This was long before Blossom was such a TV hit that you Goddard believe it, because otherwise some wisecracker would have given me that as a nickname, too.)

My favorite song as a kid and still my favorite song on this album is You Shook Me All Night Long.  It still makes me grab my air guitar in my underwear (ok, don’t get any weird thoughts – my air guitar is not actually IN my underwear! it’s in my closet next to the Jarts I’m trying to hide from the authorities.)  “She was the best machine, she kept the motor clean, she was the best dang woman that I ever seen.  She had those fancy thighs telling me no lies and knocking me out with those American pies.  Take another chance, she had me coming for air, she told me to come but I was already there.  And, the walls were shaking the earth was shaking, my mind was shaking and we were shaking when You Shook Me All Night Long!”  Oh, the memories – I haven’t been to a hockey game in ages.

A friend, Jack Jack, told me that this was Metallica’s response to the White Beetles Album because they said oh yeah you want to put out an album that is all white well we will put out an album which is back in black because we are metal players and you are sergeant peppers and metal is black.  Jack Jack is a historian when he’s not working weekends at the deli.  And I told him that rock and roll isn’t noise pollution, rock and roll ain’t gonna die!  Which my wife doesn’t completely understand but that’s because she is The Man.

Metal Rules: Tribute to the Bad Hair Days

  Finally, all these cover bands get their big break!

I’ve always sung the song of the unsung cover band.  Which is kind of ironic, because who sings a cover song of my song for the unsung cover band?  Which gets pretty confusing and if you take it another step you end up with loopholes within loopholes and you get something as illogical as
Boston – you remember the old joke: “What’s the shortest distance between two points?” “Not in
Boston.”

Which is pretty funny because Boston is actually one of the bands covered on this album.  Some Boston tribute band called Mad Caddies do a version of “Youth Gone Wild” and it rocks out let me tell you.  I was going to be Kip Winger for Halloween but then I realized that Kip didn’t have a cat – but Prince had Wendy and Lisa so I dressed up Tony Shalhoub in a police cap and stockings and he became Wendy and Lisa.  Tony Shalhoub tore up those stockings pretty good, so you know she’s a smart cat because at first I forgot that Wendy and Lisa had tears in their stockings – they must have a cat friend, too, and that was in the days when MTV had a small budget and they couldn’t pay Prince to buy new stockings.  Jack Jack, my friend from the Deli, also went as Prince and he borrowed somebody else’s cat and called her Cat from the Sign of the Times days when Prince had a dancer named Cat.  I think he thought that was pretty clever.  Jerk.

But, that’s ok because I think Tony Shalhoub really took to the hairspray.  And, Prince never actually slept with Cat, he just did something called “skimbo slapping” with her and I’m pretty sure Tony Shalhoub wouldn’t have liked that so much.

My nephew was once in a tribute band called Styx Leppard which played a song medley called “Too Much Time on My Hand.”

And, I’m going to buy this CD for him because it has the Def Leppard classic “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and the song “Rock You Like a Hurricane” which I don’t know who actually did it but I’m sure Styx would have done a better job. 

There is a band called Nerf Herder who do a song that was originally done by Lita Ford, the “Celine Dion” of glam rock.  Both have said they are good with garden hoses.  And, they are both from Canada.  And, they both aren’t afraid to do the occasional love ballad.  Nerf Herder gets their name from a character in Star Trek that was a “Vulcan”.

There is a song on here called “Unskinny Bop” which I have to object to because it is making fun of heavy people.  My wife said, “Yeah, heavy people with poor vocabulary.”  That too?  So, I’m not sure I’d recommend a CD that makes fun of heavy people and poor people.

The Man Who Saw Tomorrow

Orson Welles is the world’s greatest actor!

I just didn’t believe this was true, but now I’m starting to think maybe it is true – but how could this be! Amazing!

Do you remember the show It’s Incredible! With Skippy and Fran Tarkenton. And every week they had a dog that could walk on a high wire! Well, that stuff is only Kind Of Incredible! compared to this movie.

Orson Welles stars as a guy named Nostra Dammus – but, I’m not sure of the spelling because he doesn’t spell it at any point. Sometimes when I can’t remember someone’s name or how to spell it I’ll ask them for a personal check or their driver’s license. You know, “Hey, buddy. Do you mind if I have a personal check of yours, just one.” And, after they give it to me I can read their name off of that and then I always give the check back – because, I mean, why would I really want someone’s check, dummy, I only asked for it to get their name you know. But, in this movie, Orson Welles doesn’t write any checks and I don’t remember if he’s driving a car at all but if he did he doesn’t get any speeding tickets. And, he definitely doesn’t try to get in any bars underaged. Mostly he just sits in a chair. Which makes me think this Dammus guy must have been really lazy – which might have been his first prediction actually: the Lazy Boy! See what I mean – this guy was absolutely amazing!

So, apparently, Dammus was someone from a long time ago (probably Spanish) and he wrote a bunch of books that nobody bought because they didn’t understand what the heck he was talking about. But, then (thanks to someone with a library card – oh shoot I forgot to check in the movie if Orson Welles shows his library card because I could get the spelling from that!) they found the old books and realized that he had made a bunch of predictions that came true. For example, he predicted the bird! “There will be a big bird in the sky and it will soar.” And, he predicted mustaches! “There will be a great war and the tiny black mustache will be killed by the Allies of West.” And, he predicted Friends! “And the show will become lame once Ross and Rachel get together.” Imagine being someone back in Ancient Spanish. You would be so confused. I mean they didn’t even have “friends” back then let alone “the Friends”. And, his poor mother having all these people call her boy the freak of Spanish. “Dammus, what are you talking about? Why don’t you put your pen down and have an omelet.” (I just threw that in there because everyone knows that Orson Welles loves omelets!)

So, I mean, how can this be real. I mean, a dog walking on a wire is one thing (obviously, the wire has magnets) but you’ve got another thing coming if you want me to believe Nostra Dammus knew about mustaches! So, I wasn’t buying a red cent of this.

Until, half-way through the movie, they get to one of Dammus’ last predictions. “A large man with two first names will write false reviews in the jungle.” And, whoa! now that’s just a bit too freaky, you know. I mean, how did he know about that? So, as soon as I saw that part of the movie and Orson Welles explaining that there will be Jack Jack giants dressed like Tarzan that will overcome the government in 2002 (that’s almost now!) I immediately sold all my stock and built a bullet-proof cage for Tony Shalhoub underground.

And, it sounds too amazing to be true, but I guess it is. Orson Welles can see the future. I can just see him at strolling through the cellars of the Perry Mason winery where he worked in his later years. Their so-called “winemaster” is just some guy following Orson Welles with a clipboard. Orson Welles would point out a batch of wine among all the batches in the cellar: “It’s time.” As the winemaster checks that batch off his list, he wonders aloud how Orson Welles could know that it’s time to sell that wine. Orson Welles would smile knowingly (just like he does ALL THE TIME in this movie!) and simply say, “It’s time.”

The Complete Collection And Then Some… by Barry Mannilow

 

I don’t think so Maniblow

O.K, Barry.  I know you are music.  And, you write the songs.  But, please.  Isn’t this a bit much?  I mean, do you really expect us to believe you’ve written 70 songs?  I think not, pal.  Not even Prince has done that.  And that guy is the most prolific artist in the world.  Sure, he has to save some time for getting it on with his backup singers – but, I heard the purple guy doesn’t last all that long, three, maybe four minutes, so that’s only one song.  Like Mandy.  So, are you trying to tell me that if Prince wasn’t the horniest man in the Music Biz he’d have written Mandy?  I don’t think so, buddy.  Try as you might to fit in with everyone else, Prince is waaaaaay too normal to have written Mandy, which was obviously written by a frigid man like you.  So, quit jerking us around.

And, second, do you really want us to spend $47.47 on this collection of Barry Manilow songs?  Listen Manilow, I don’t know who you think you are, but there are plenty of people who can sing these songs.  Stop by any lame kerioki bar in the world and you’re going to hear someone singing one of these songs.  And, do you think I’m going to pay $47.47 for the privaledge?  No way!  And, that’s just for one song.  What makes you think that if I’m not going to pay $47.47 for one bad Barry Manilow impersonation, I’m going to pay $47.47 for 70 bad Barry Manilow impersonations?  You’ve got another thing coming, buddy.

In fact, come to think of it, all I have to do is step onto any elevator in the Western Hemisphere (including Cuba!) and I’ll hear a Barry Manilow song – often with lyrics!  So, are you trying to tell me that you want to charge $47.47.  For elevators?  Are you crazy?

So, you expect us to simply roll over on this one.  But, I did a little checking.  And low and behold!  Some of the same songs are on there twice!  Right next to each other!  Is this some sort of joke?

Could It Be Magic.  On there twice.  What?  Who in High Holiness has ever heard of Could It Be Magic???  And, one time you put on a recording by someone named Marry Manilow?  Is that supposed to be your “wife”?

Copacabana.  On there twice.  Let’s take a moment to settle down here.  Relax.  Look in the mirror.  And tell me: does the world really need two different versions of Copacabana?  No – the original version is fantastic!  You’re not Metallica, Barry Manilow.  You don’t need to copy Elton John’s full orchestra idea just to make a quick buck.  Any moron can karaoke to this song and boom there’s another version.

And there’s Mandy.  And a song called Brandy.  What is that, a Wired Al Yankovick version?  “Brandy.  I drank you and stopped me from driving.  But I puked you away, oh Brandy.”  (Hey, I just made that up right now.  Somebody get Wired Al on the phone!  I’ve got something!)

What?  Does little Manilow Junior need braces?  Does Mrs. Barry want one of those chains for her eyeglasses that rich people always have in the comics?  But covered with diamonds?  No sir, you’re not going to the Bahamas on my dime.  If I want to use an elevator all day long, I don’t care how many lawyers you have, I’m not going to pay you a cent.

(But, if you’re reading this, I’ll tell you what you can do.  I need a favor, pal.  Settle a bet for me about the gay thing.  I told my wife that no review of a Barry Manilow disc is complete without mentioning how you’re gay.  She said I should leave it out.  What do you think?  Mention it or don’t?)

Modelling Binary Data

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